The Subtle Aggression of Self-improvement
Does your self-improvement goal pass the love test?
There is such beautiful relationship advice out there for helping us love someone. Here are a few, but I’m sure your grandparents probably passed on a few more!
Respect who they are. Respect is essential (even above other important things).
Admit, talk and reveal. Even the embarrassing and insecure icky stuff.
Get good at forgiveness.
Get comfortable with riding the waves. Life, romance, parenting… will never live up to expectations.
What if we anchored our self-improvement goals with this very same advice? What if we stepped back and treated ourself as we would treat a loved one? We would never sit down with our loved one and reveal a checklist list of things they need to improve on. We would never nitpick their personality and expect changes. We would never fold our arms and refuse them grace. Sure goals are good, but we want to make sure they pass the “love test”. If we would’t do it to them, we shouldn’t do it to ourselves.
Respect who you really are. Is this goal consistent with who you are and what you value? There are hundreds of worthy values out there. Just take a look at any personal values inventory and you will see lists and lists of them. But we each have only a handful of values that are at the core of who we are. This is what makes us unique! These values are what we are willing to spend our limited time and money on. So what are the handful of things that you value, and is this goal consistent with them?
Admit the embarrassing and insecure icky stuff. Is this goal trying to cover up something that you don’t want to admit about yourself? We each have stuff about ourselves that we find embarrassing. But if this particular thing isn’t self-harming or harming someone else then, well, maybe it’s time to just admit this is part of who you are and fly your freak flag. You are uniquely you, warts and all, and no new self-improvement goal can (or should) burn that out of you.
Get good at forgiving yourself. Is this goal really a goal, or are you trying to redeem yourself? Think long and hard about this one. This goal will not make you more worthy. You are already worthy because you are a child of the universal watcher. You are seen, and not through the eyes of someone catching all the bad stuff. You are seen with love and forgiveness. You are seen like a parent with shaking of head and rolling of eyes and understanding smile. You are already forgiven.
Get comfortable with riding life’s waves. Is this goal helping you to meld life into something that is better and more presentable? Life isn’t about melting off the bad bits as if they didn’t exist. Real life is bumpy and blobby with sharp jots and pits. If this goal will help you ride the up and down waves of life and accept the bumps, then great. But if you are trying to make your life “better”, then drop it. Your life is like everyone else’s life: imperfectly perfect.
Mindfulness teacher Bob Sharpies speaks of the subtle aggression of self-improvement. How eloquent and mind-blowingly true! So before we pull up those boot straps, let’s make sure our new goal passes the loving-relationship test. Let’s make it an act of love.
Until next time,
Laura
Want more? Resolution vs. Intention — Yoga Trail Talks
